:: archive

January 07 - issue 1

THE DAME AT 60

The Vicarage phone has been ringing off the hook this last week with requests from broadcasters for comment on the 60th birthday of David Bowie. It shames us to say that in the face of the avalanche of lionising prose, we have been compiling our alternative tribute: a list of the events and examples of behaviour that make David Bowie's career uniquely rich in embarrassments and agonising examples of trying that bit too hard. Here are a few:

* Being interviewed by Cliff Michelmore at the age of 17 as the representative of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Long Haired Men

* The miming

* The half hour drum solo during the Station To Station tour

* The Dancing In The Street video.

* That Brecht thing on BBC TV. What was that all about?

* Promising that the songs on the Sound & Vision tour would be picked by popular vote and then abandoning the idea as soon as everyone voted for The Laughing Gnome

* That odd business at Victoria Station. Yes, Victoria Station.

* Reciting the Lord's Prayer at the Freddie Mercury concert

* You can probably add your own here

THE GREATEST SONG I'VE NEVER HEARD

Parishioner Tom: "I'm still haunted by a new wavey sort of synth song I heard while on holiday in the small village of Winsford in Somerset. This would have been about 1975. The chorus went "Holy vinyl/She's like a record store." Anyone else have any recollection of this?

The Vicar wonders: "Were any other parishioners on holiday in Winsford in 1975?"

BEST AND WORST BEARDS IN ROCK

Parishioner Mark Bryer

"Seeing a recent snap of Robert Plant, it struck me that he's never successfully carried off the facial hair thing. Whereas, off the top of the head, Eric Clapton, Pete Townsend and Joe Cocker look immeasurably better for sporting a little overgrown stubble, although it is more of a metrosexual dusting rather than the full backwoodsman-survivalist look, they all look a little odd without it."

The Vicar adds: "Jimmy Page surely only looks complete with the full fuzz. It gives him authority. Without it he looks, frankly, a little weak of chin. While we're on the subject of classic images, here's the earliest known (1851) picture of Bob Dylan."

THE 'WILL THIS DO?' LYRIC

Parishioner John Mitchell:

"How about some examples of when the muse just dries up and a songwriter simply pops down their first available thoughts in the quest to get the song finished and return to the more rock'n'roll pursuits of groupie pleasuring and substance abuse? To kick things off, let's consider this Shakespearean effort from Alice Cooper's School's Out."

"Well we got no class/And we got no principles/And we got no innocence/We can't even think of a word that rhymes".

It's right up there with "why do I find it hard to write the next line?" from Spandau Ballet's True.

The Vicar adds: We must tip our hat to the prince of the "will this do?" lyric, Bernie Taupin, who got his career off the ground with the unforgettable "I sat on the roof and kicked up the moss/Well a few of these verses they got me quite cross..." Parishioners, there must be many more....

SONGS YET TO BE USED IN ADS

Parishioner Martin: Why has Iggy Pop never let "I Wanna Be Your Dog" be used for Pedigree Chum? He's flogged every other track."

Parishioner GJ tells us that Ben Lee's 'Catch My Disease' is used by Dell in the United States "though funnily enough it fades out just before the title gets mentioned".

THE ARTIST IS INDISPOSED

Parishioner George Laxman: "I note that Amy Winehouse had to leave the stage at G-A-Y the other day, having completed only one number. The excuse was that she had to throw up. I wondered whether parishioners have been fobbed off with a more pathetic excuse in their voluminous gig-going experience?"

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Fatboy Slim is taking the whole year off. Any parishioners who feel they might be adversely affected can seek counselling at the Vicarage.

Pip, Pip

Your Rocking Vicar

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