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September 07 - issue 1

Dearly Bewildered

THE THINGS YOU FIND IN ALBUM COVERS

Parishioner Jon:

Bless me Vicar, for I have sinned. About a year ago, to celebrate buying a turntable, I did a raid on the local charity shop, where three quid bought me a decent haul of old gems. Tucked inside the sleeve of Supertramp's 'Crime of the Century' - I make no apologies for that - was a letter to a lucky young chap from a pair of girls called Wendy and Tina, and though I knew my nosiness to be wrong, I felt I had to read it. What a splendid artefact of the mid-to late 70s it is. Excerpts include: 'At the moment we are playing Donna Summer's record (Love to Love you Baby)' 'Have you been to Brent Cross yet? We are going there on Tuesday, I want to get a pencil skirt suit and a new bag. I think Tina is getting some drain pipe jeans.' 'On Wednesday I went to Earls Court to see Elton John he was fantastic, great, fabulous, and lovely... The drink up there were really expensive, half a lager was

28p and usually its about 17p.' 'Have you been down the Disco Lately? Do you like the Rolling Stones? I wanted to go and see them, but I could not get hold of and tickets (worst luck).' 'You know Lyndhurst school well today some one set alight to it, and well there is nothing left off it. Lucky old lot Lyndhurst is.' Apologies to Wendy and Tina if you ever read this, but I have yet to stumble across anything that so effortlessly describes a world punk was only just beginning to influence - and that only in the fashion sense. Nevertheless, I know I must atone for my inquisitiveness. I'll stick a fiver in the collection plate if you can have a word with the governor - is that how the business works these days?

THEY LIED TO US IN SONG

Parishioner Magnus:

I have an irrational dislike of Frank Sinatra's 'Fly Me To The Moon'. 'Fly me to the moon / Let me play amongst the stars' - The stars are actually suns at the centres of inumerous galaxies, millions of miles away. So one wouldn't have any better chance of playing amongst them by being on the moon. 'Let me know what Spring is like / On Jupiter and Mars' - Although the planets in our solar system do have seasons of a sort, Spring wouldn't be any more stimulating on Mars than any other point in its cycle. Jupiter is a gas giant, with no solid surface and clouds of acidic atmosphere. It being May would not dispel this. 'In other words (the original title) / Hold my hand' - In exactly what way is travelling throughout the solar system, analysing the seasonal differences on other worlds analagous with grasping someone's sweaty palm? 'In other words / Darling kiss me' - Just a second. In the previous line, the interstellar journey was a token of the desire to hold hands. Now it's a plea for tonsil hockey. Make your mind up ...

WHERE THE FUN NEVER SETS

Parishioner Mark Ellen: 

I've just returned from the Notting Hill Carnival and feel compelled to report that Gaz 'Son of John' Mayall's sound system on the Talbot Road was in particularly sparkling form. Longtime supporters will be aware that the effervescent ska and R&B doctor makes this trip out west from his Soho-based dance parlour Gaz's Rockin' Blues every August Bank Holiday, and each time he and his sidekicks adopt a particular theme. One year it was The Pharoahs and the great man spun his vinyl atop a giant pyramid while sand-dancers cavorted on the decking. Another year had a Trojan slant and required the construction of a vast wooden horse. But this year Gaz may have excelled himself. He appeared as The Joker in a white suit, mask and panama hat in the upper storeys of a Gotham City skyscraper, his cape billowed by a wind-machine. A gigantic web of blue nylon rope had been woven

over the buildings behind him and two colossal (real) aircraft had been lowered into position at either end of his soundstage. Suspended to his right was a lavishly-tattooed geezer dressed only in trousers swinging from a crane attached to the skin of his back by two enormous fish hooks. Continuing the Superheroes theme, a Spiderman, Superman, Catwoman and Human Fly got on the good foot beside him while handing out balloons scrawled with the legend "Mutate, Mate!" to revellers activating klaxons, munching coconuts and upending bottles of Courvoisier. The speaker stacks were emblazoned with expressions like "Kepow!" and above the door of his console was a hand-written cartoon box saying TO BE CONTINUED. The first three tunes we heard beneath the blistering sun were Johnny Burnette's Drinkin' Wine Spo-De-O-Dee, Barrington Levy's Here I Come and Little Richard's Tutti Frutti. It fair warms the cockles, doesn't it?

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Parishioner Fraser:

Girl I know was being chatted up by a very boring man in the Garage.

"Blah blah blah...", he droned on at length about himself.

"What do you do for a living?" she asked out of desperation.

"Actually, I'm in Razorlight."

Her reply? "IF YOU'RE GOING TO LIE, AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE IN A

DECENT BAND" Cue Razorlight drummer's goons insisting to security that she be

thrown out. She is now barred from the Garage.

BOOZE AND THE HOLD STEADY

Parishioner Tim Turner:

I can't argue with Parishioner Ellen's in-depth analysis of The Hold Steady's booze consumption - I was at the same gig and witnessed it at close quarters, and with similar feelings of awe. But just to be pedantic, I believe the many references in their songs to 'getting high' are actually about taking illicit substances, rather than drinking. Isn't alcohol-induced intoxication known as 'getting loaded' in the US? Are there any visiting American parishioners who can confirm this?

STARNGE CREDITS

Parishioner David:

May I nominate Bill Bruford, who is credited with "admirable restraint" on the King Crimson track "Trio"? Since the track is a live improvisation, he also gets a writing credit for discerning that discretion is the better part of percussion.

BLESS ME FATHER FOR I HAVE WINNED

Parishioner Mike Gallacher:

I too was a winner on Alan Freeman's "Get on The Right Track" ......er baby.

My prize, a signed photo of the man staring pensively at what appeared to be a model ship and bearing the message "All the best Mike". Also included a tee shirt with the legend "Fluff" in large letters and "Radio One" in smaller letters which resulted in me suffering that nickname every time I wore the shirt to five a sides. The track I id'd was Leave Your Hat On by The Jess Roden Band

HERE COMES THE FLOOD

Parishioner Stuart Maconie:

On the subject of songs that give parishioners away, Peel used to always say that if Sheila ever heard the sounds of Roy Orbison emanating from his den she knew to go in and offer him a Kleenex and a wifely bosom to cry on as he was clearly down about something. As for myself, i don't think I've listened to Gentle Giant sober or The Triffids Save What You Can dry-eyed in a decade.

ON HOLD MUSIC

Parishioner Clair Woodward:

When I called Shield Pest Control, naturally, their holding music was There's A Rat In Me Kitchen by UB40. At which I laughed as I was standing on a stool in aforementioned room, holding my skirts up and shouting 'THOM-ASSS!!!'

Parishioner Louise Pepper

Ilva, the 'posh-Ikea' furniture shop plays 'Mr Blue Sky' over and over and over as their hold music. Considering they mucked up my order so royally that in total I was on hold for 12 hrs in one week they have ruined what used to be an old favourite. Bastards. And returning to that old favourite of one-song-becoming-another, in a tribute to the King I was listening to a few Elvis tracks this week. Anyone else find the opening of In The Ghetto remarkably similar to the theme to Postman Pat? Kinda loses its pathos when your head is twiddling 'and his black and white caaaaaaaat' in the background.

Keep your correspondence coming to mail@rockingvicar.com

Pip pip!!

The Rocking Vicar

 

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