:: The Vicar's holiday notes

The vicarage massive has just returned from a jolly to Florida. They would have sent a postcard but lost your address. Instead, here are some observations on the 'sunshine state' ...

- Even the most portly of English gentlemen should feel slim in the USA. There's nothing more likely to make you feel you have the physique of a Greek god than the presence in a supermarket of Americans so preposterously large that they need a mobility scooter to fetch a carton of milk (adding three dozen donuts to their basket as the pass the bakery).

- On the same subject, we think one of the problems lies with the restaurants there. It's not the 'eat-till-you-die-for-five-dollars' policy so much (although I guess that's not helping), it's the fact that the waiting staff are so damn convivial. 'Please', 'Thank you', 'You're welcome', all feature heavily in the interchange with any server in any diner. It's quite a shock to the average Brit, I can tell you. So, perhaps if they were to introduce the miserable, intolerant, unhelpful and resentful approach found in many UK service industries, fewer Floridians would bother to attend eating establishments and - ta, da - rapid weight loss would ensue.

- They really do spectacular thunder storms over there. First rate.

- A truck we passed had two bumper stickers which went a long way in summing up the American grasp of religious philosophy and conflict resolution. The first message read 'Show our enemy pity? NO WAY!'. The second simply said 'What would Jesus do?'

- We very much enjoyed a Floridian television channel we found. The host was a pastor - although he called himself 'The Prophet'. He suggested most frequently and with some instance that we send him $100 via our credit cards. In exchange, we would receive three prayers and five (yes, five) miracles. No mention of a refund or exchange policy though. What would Marks and Spencer do?

- Root Beer. It's not a beer and we suspect is not concocted from roots. It tastes like coke with added surgical spirit. Incredibly, it's delicious.

- They have electrical pylons shaped like Mickey Mouse. No, really.

- If you're bored, you can sue somebody. For pretty much anything. The lawyers have 48 sheet billboards with their mobile numbers on display. Handy.

- There are perhaps, a hundred radio stations on the FM band. They all play KC and the Sunshine Band, Huey Lewis and the News, Fleetwood Mac and for some strange reason, Dobie Gray's 'Drift Away'. But what with all the adverts for lawyers and 'eat-till-you-die-for-five-dollars' meal deals, you only hear one track an hour, so that's okay.

- An advert on one of these stations was suggesting that, rather than a tie, Dad may enjoy a shiny new revolver for Father's Day this year. 'Thanks kids, I'll put it on the rack in the wardrobe next to all the others. Like the tie you got me last year'.

- We saw possums, sting rays, cockroaches, ibis, a squashed armadillo and a polar bear. Only the bear was captive. I think he was quite bored - perhaps he should sue someone.

- There were only two local murders in ten days. Always reassuring.

And with that, we flew home.

Your Rocking Vicar emails the parish every weekend. To bless your inbox on a weekly basis just click here.

subscribe now >